The Beethovenist Logo
Beethovenism is a very silly religion which involves a crazy Australian god named Hovenbeet who flies around space in a gigantic Pipe Organ destroying planets by playing music. Hovenbeet's reasons for doing this are very, very complicated and therefore will not be explained here.
Hovenbeet flies around destroying planets because he hates the universe and wants to destroy it all. In order for one to properly understand why he hates the universe, one must first properly understand why the universe hates him. To understand why the universe hates him, you are required to understand a dislike of organ music and getting poked with lazers.
Ridiculous Rules[]
Chimney pot and hedgehog.
History[]
Beethovenism contains a really, really big history which involves masses of contradictions, useless facts, and a lack of any coherent record for what happened after what. In any case, here is the best interpretation of what has been found:
In the beginning; well, not exactly the beginning, but rather uncomfortably close to the end. Well, it's not the end of history, but it's the beginning. But also the end. Anyway.
Hovenbeet was this guy who lived on a planet known only as The Bag. One day, he got bored, so he decided to build an armored space organ which could blow things up. Conveniently, at about the time that Hovenbeet was building this organ, the end of the Universe was getting alarmingly close.
Thirty Seven[]
For some reason, the number thirty-seven is written on the back of the Great Space Organ. Philosophy majors at prestigious universities around the universe have tried to emphasize some deeper meaning of the number, although the generally accepted theory is that Hovenbeet wrote it there so that he didn't accidentally forget it while having a mexican fiesta. Coincidentally, thirty seven was also the peak population of MEUSM things, as well as the number of unidentified radio broadcasts that have been received from space. Many people of the FLUMPMIG culture have claimed that the number 37 is represented by its own glyph, which apparently looks remarkably similar to the British Petroleum logo. Another species of aliens, known only as the Hrkmng, have completely understood the concept of 37 and all it entails, as well as the meaning of life. Unfortunately, all their mouths look a bit like a squid put through a vacuum and have a complete inability to communicate using any form of vowels and thus the entire problem remains a mystery to this day. In one notable experiment, a Hrkmng was hooked up to a high tech brain scanner, and when questioned about the meaning of 37, the display would begin to repeat: ONION ONION ONION ONION ONION ONION ONION... Following this experiment, all the Hrnkmng began to wear Brain Caps and lederhosen, and act incredibly French.
NOTE: FLUMPMIG stands for: Flrjnkdmysh Lnktgmgg Urfjldtypmgpscthp Minor, sector Prosfrknlg Mrklfyrgbrg ilgrntrlhnrung Ghyrglpft" (Do NOT, under any circumstances, attempt to pronounce this (You would be the first in the entire english history to have done so), because the effects of having done so seem to include insanity, deliriousness, loss of speech, and death. Therefore, the abbreviation is FLUMPMIG).
Mig
The term mig is a term which is often used to give praise to hovenbeet , or to shout at random stationary objects. (for example, a man drops a pineapple which then smashes into the ground just as one might expect from a pineapple. Disliking this ordinary result, he calls his lawyer and screams "Mig!" before hanging up). It is an approximate equivelant of Amen, however the term is not limited to culinary use. For an example: "mig, he is alright!" would mean "thank hovenbeet, he is well!".
The word can also be used in the place of any other word, for no particular reason other than that person cannot be bothered to remember the word in which he meant. Therefore, a theoretical conversation could go somewhat like:
Person one: Mig.
Person two: Mig mig, mig mig mig mig mig migmig?
Person one: Mig, mig mig migmig.
Person two: Mig mig mig, mig mig migmig migmigmig migmigmig?
Person one: Mig migmig, migmigmig mig?
Etcetera.
Further Predictions[]
It is thought that after Hovenbeet has destroyed the Universe, he will create a new Universe, fashioned the way he likes. It is said that the people living in Organ Heaven will be sent to a planet known as the Utopia of Greater Hovenbeet, and the Organ Hell people will be sent to live in some stinky cave. It is estimated that the cave will probably need to be large enough to hold approximately 4,000,000,000,000,000 (four quadrillion) living beings. On the other hand, the Utopia Of Hovenbeet will only need to be large enough to comfortably fit about 10,000 people. Afterwards, it has been speculated that Hovenbeet will get bored and fly into a black hole.